Of Empty Nest, Phone Calls and Needy Moms

 

 If you have grown children, or anywhere close to what you would call grown, you have entered into a phase of life that is what is referred to as the 'empty nest' stage. Well, that is what is the expected stage, and I say expected because in today's economy the nest often gets an extension to the original lease.

My children, however, vacated said nest quite some time ago. The first one to get married just celebrated their 19th wedding anniversary, and the others are not too far behind. Our grandchildren range in ages from seventeen years old down to one who turns three this week. And there are twelve of them, so there are few gaps in the ages. It is wonderful. 

My mother-in-law used to have a little ditty she would quote to me, which I personally was a teeny tiny bit offended by. I long ago got over it, by the way. It went like this, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he takes a wife." I would think, "Hey. I'm standing right here. And your son is a really good son still." And he was, and still is. But that is beside the point. Since I have two sons and one daughter, I now understand what she was saying. My phone is a testament to that. For every one time one of my boys calls or texts me, my daughter calls or texts me ten to twelve times. Maybe more. No, definitely more. 

I've learned that it is not personal. Not at all. She does not love me more than they do. Daughters are just different. Maybe a touch more needy? Perhaps the word needy isn't quite the perfect word choice, but needful might be better. I know I still reach for my phone to call my mom, and this year marks seven years since she passed away. I have a sister who has two daughters, and they call her every day. Multiple times a day sometimes. I can say that is not the case for me. Could be that is because my daughter has four children and teaches, so talks enough without adding her mom into the mix. 

I had a conversation with my younger son recently where he talked about his trying to do better with calling. We talked also about the fact that as an adult he had found himself in the position of not really needing parental guidance so much. Oh, he calls his dad on occasion for the remodeling and construction advice. His dad is a pro, that would be crazy not to do that. But on matters of life decisions, leading his family, spiritual decisions, he has found his way pretty well. I won't lie, as parents, it's hard to reach the place where you realize you really aren't needed any longer to guide your kids. But at the same time, you realize that was your ultimate goal.

Someone once said to me when our children were small, and I mean like none of them had even started school. I doubt none but one were even potty-trained fully. "Remember, you are raising your children to leave you." Well, that sounded bleak. Why not set them at the curb now, and save all the hassle and work? But the point was this. We aren't to raise our children to be dependent upon us, but to be independent, self-sufficient, adults. We want to produce adults that are able to survive and thrive on their own and contribute to society, not hide out in our home. 

Well, evidence suggests that my husband and I were successful at that. They don't need us. Now the good news is that evidence also suggest that while they may not need us, that do still want us. That's a good thing, I believe. That balance helps create joy in the pain of feeling unnecessary. The relationships have moved into a different stage, and we are enjoying our children as adults. It's pretty awesome.

It has caused me to ponder, though. God does not bring us through life the same way. As we grow in our walk with Him, as we mature spiritually, as He moves us through the sanctification process to become more like His Son, He never intends for us to become independent of Him. In fact, just the contrary. The closer I have grown to Him in my life, the more I have come to rely on Him. The more I have come to discover I need Him, not less. 

And while both we earthly parents and God are available with a single call, it's noteworthy that we are raising our children to need us less, God is raising us to need Him more.