Choosing to Becoming an Old Married Couple

 

The majority of  marriages start the same way. Not all, I understand that. A nervous groom,  an excited bride, or perhaps the roles are reversed. Someone is nervous, someone is excited, oft a mixture of both. Trust me that there are nerves and excitement.

 There is hope. There are dreams. There is blind trust that this is the love that defies all others. I know this to be true because I not only felt it myself, but I have talked to bright-eyed young people who can't believe anyone else has ever felt this depth of love for anyone else. Their love is unique, original, exceptional. 

Oh, I know. There are exceptions. There are as many reasons to wed as there are bad toasts at the reception. And the sad truth is that in today's culture they do not all last. The current divorce rate in the United States is very nearly fifty percent. That is almost half of every wedding we attend is doomed to failure. And second marriages have a divorce rate of closer to sixty percent. 

So, let's focus on the half that survive for a minute. Or more. Let us give them the time that they deserve. I trailed behind one of these couples into church this morning. This incredible couple have been married upwards of fifty years. In the class my husband and I attend, we have several of these couples, together for fifty years and one for over sixty. We have close relationships with a few of these couples.

Over the course of my life, I have had the privilege of knowing quite a few people like this. Their names linked together, spoken almost unconsciously as one. Jerry and Charlotte.Walter and Grace. Ed and Bonnie. Larry and Linda. Ray and Bev. And there are more. . .so many more.

I want to tell you their stories. Room, even words, do not permit. But their stories are all so very different, but yet so similar. They all have stories of young love, fresh and optimistic. Along the way, the fiercest of trials and heartache attacked that love with determination to destroy it. Death took children, parents, siblings, grandchildren. Instead of driving a chasm of pain between them, the pain of loss and suffering caused them to lean upon one another all the more. So death waits, for the ultimate blow.

Financial strain attempted to cause chaos and dissension. This may have caused stress, and more than a few arguments, but love, patience and tolerance won the day here. Compromise and determination pushed away the discomfort of the temporary pinch. For these couples knew that there is a greater treasure to be had, and their focus was on gain yet to be seen.

Those precious babies they held in their arms, the ones that brought such promise, such hope? It didn't always turn out the way they envisioned. Children grow up, you see, and they will often go their own way. And occasionally that way is one that will break a parent's heart. Even a heart that is one that is after God's. It just happens sometimes. How does a marriage survive that one? The ones I've seen don't cast blame, don't point fingers, don't allow the pain to give way to prideful anger. Rather it remains a picture of the love of the Father. Merciful, full of grace, forgiving and waiting. For as long as it takes. 

Remember that vow, 'in sickness as in health'? They've lived that one out again and again. The healthy days were the easy ones. The others were a choice. . . and for them not a very hard one.

I followed one of the couples, as I said, into church. I've watched her slowly change over the past few years as Huntington's Disease has made an impact on her. He rarely leaves her side. Someone asked him some time ago what he would do if it got to be too much to care for her. He told the story of how years ago he had been in a terrible accident, and she had cared for him without one complaint. Tended to his every need. With tears in his eyes, he asked the question, "How could I do any less?"

One couple is dealing with the onset of dementia. Another with ever increasing heart issues. There is not space here to cover the stories, the successes. Each of their stories is unique. What they have in common is that while they love each other, they all have had problems, major roadblocks in the path to that Golden Anniversary, but the fortitude and strength to survive. 

I have a deep love and respect for these incredible people. I watch them, my husband and I help where and when we can. And I am learning.

 Why the difference? Why were these able to continue on to fifty and sixty years when so many bailed out at less than twenty? Ten? and some even five?

Well, for starters, they simply didn't quit. It wasn't an option, so they got up each day and resolved to fix the issues, rather than run from them. They may have fought a little, prayed a lot, and compromised somewhere in the middle. Wisdom, which came with age, determined the priorities of each.

Next, and I think most impressive to me, is that they exercised outwardly the love that they pledged on their wedding day all those years ago. 

When Parkinson's was stealing her ability to perform regular tasks, he humbled himself and began to assist her where she needed, not feeling anything was beneath him. When the memory of her husband began to falter, she practiced patience and answered the same question over and over again. Then again. Her gait has become slow, and crowds will overwhelm her at times. He watches. . .he sees. He responds and will take her home, even when he'd rather stay. Because she matters more. And many times before she asks. 

They see. They hear. They respond. Because they love. And I want them to know that I see them, and I hear them and I admire them. I wish these young married couples could see them too. I want them to see that when marriage is not just about you being happy, not just about you being loved, about you getting your dreams fulfilled, then you will find the joy and fulfillment you didn't know was there to be had.

And one day, you will be part of the fifty percent. The fifty percent that made it.